Dear Steve Jobs,
Send me one million dollars in small, unmarked bills, or I leave the house wearing this.
Sincerely,
Claude
Tags archives: dressed
Paper or Plastic Clothes?
You know what? People who are into fetish wear have to go grocery shopping just like the rest of us. BONUS: If she’s standing near the produce when those little sprinklers come on, she’s already wearing waterproof clothes!
Looks Like Casual Friday to Me
Protip: if you’re going to wear metallic pumps during the day, it makes sense to tone them down with some sensible khakis and a casual t-shirt.
I don’t know about the short black gloves though. A little too Like-a-Virgin for daywear.
Not for Beginners
Ultraviolet rays claim another victim. Listen folks: just like you don’t start skiing on the double–black diamond slope and don’t start breakfast with a double-shot of tequila (try easing into it with a mimosa!), you don’t start your first day in a Speedo with a double-shift of sunbathing. Easy does it!
Trust Me
The off-Broadway production of Fantasia is not worth the price of admission.
We’ve All Been There. Right? Hello?
Remember high school? When you were clueless in the ways of style and personal grooming but desperate to stand out from the crown in some way, so much so that in a hail-Mary attempt to be noticed for something—anything—you shaved your eyebrows into a wonky pattern the morning of school picture day?
No? Uh, me either.
Put Your Dress Down, Sweetie, We’re in Public
Alright, whose turn is it to change the baby? Because it’s not mine. I did it this morning. And it was not pretty.
Work it, Girl
This is the little-known runner up for Rolling Stone’s Housewife of the Year. His lemon sponge cake was on par with Jessica Simpson’s, but she had him beat in—of all things—the tuna sandwich competition. Next year. Next year.
I Never Thought I’d Say This, But You Should Tuck That In
Generally, when we think of cleavage, we think of something sexy: a woman in a low-cut top, a pair of vampy stilettos, or the perfect pinacoidal cleavage of a chunk of plogopite mica. Okay, maybe not that last one.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure that cleavage has never brought to mind something you’d see peeking out of a pair of sweatpants sagging under the weight of a fanny pack. Until now. You’re welcome.
These Boots Are Made for Standing Around by the Trash Can
The University of Oklahoma won the Sun Bowl a couple days ago, so I can only imagine that this sad clown’s sadness has something to do with his shorts. And trust me, if those shorts had a face, it would be a sad one too.